thinking.

Imagine this with me.

It's a dark, partly cloudy night. There's a little mist all around the town.
You are a young child, a boy frightened by things that have happened. Deep sorrow fills your heart.

Maybe you hadn't done so well for a paper, and school seems so out at this point in time.
Maybe your friends have drifted away from you.
Maybe you had lost something important to you.
Maybe someone close to you had passed away.
Maybe...

So you sit by the riverside, pitched a small little tent, enough for your small scrawny body to curl up inside, with the warmth of a small fire just at the entrance of the tent.

You pace around, you ponder.
You sit around the firewood, and throw little sticks in.
And you get up, and pace around again.
But you find most comfortable the place, in sitting by the large tree by the riverside, with your chin resting softly on the knees that are by now tucked in-between by your arms and the warmth of your chest.

And a single tear drops.

Just as this tear hits the ground, another starts to fall, and another, and another. Soon enough, a small puddle forms on the grass-soil surface of the ground.

You stop crying, and close your eyes, enjoying the serenity of the night. And when you open your eyes, you realise that the puddle of tears is suddenly gone in almost an instant.

And you turn, and you look at the tree you were leaning on.

-

This scene came to me during my quiet time today.
Friends, sometimes God is like that tree by the riverside.

He's always there, but we just somehow don't see Him, or even if we did, never appreciated His presence even.
Like the tree, God is always there to provide us support in times of our need. Many times we turn our back on Him, thinking we could conquer the problem relying on our own strength. But we have fooled ourselves, and it is God who stays strongly rooted, that we might find our firm foundation in Him. We can know that when we lean on God, He will never topple.

Also, God doesn't just watch us go through all these pain. He cares for us and goes through them with us. Just like the puddle of tears on the ground (which was quickly taken in by the roots of the tree), God draws our sorrow toward Him. He wants to hear each and every cry from our hearts, only so that He may be able to embrace your pain together. Only so that He can quickly draw away all our sadness, and conceal it out of our sight.

Where else, can you find a God like this, strong, sturdy, and never failing? (:

'Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live'

'Most of us walk around as if we're sleepwalking. We really don't experience the world fully, because we're half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.'

And facing death changes all that?

'Oh, yes. You strip away all that stuff and you focus on the essentials. When you realize you are going to die, you see everything much differently.'
'Well, the truth is, if you accept the fact that you are can die at any time - then you might not be as ambitious as you are.'

'The things you spend so much time on - all this work you do - might not seem as important.'
'We're all deficient in some way. We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don't satisfy us. The loving relationships we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted.'

tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom
-

Many of us live like that, chasing what's beautiful before our eyes. But we fail to see too that we can never take all these with us when we die. And we only long for more and more of these because we simply don't appreciate the things around us and the things we can do. We don't appreciate the fact that we can walk, that we can do daily routine chords easily. Only when we lack in ability to do our eyes open and see how dependent we are on it.

Focus on the things that last eternally with your spirit, and that goes with you when you go.
Chasing after material goods, they are left behind when you depart the face of this earth.
But if you build loving relationships, it always stays with you, and the other party. And this peace, prepares you for that final day.

'Have I told you about the tension of opposites?' He asked.
The tension of opposites?
'Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.'
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
'A wrestling match,' He laughs. 'Yes, you could describe life that way.'
So which side wins, I ask?
'Which side wins?'
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

'Love wins. Love always wins.'

tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom

I don't believe in coincidences, especially when they occur too often. Caroline passed me that book, and I've been reading it since yesterday. If you know me, I ain't the kinda person to sit and read much.

But the above is rather true. As I begin to see things from a whole new point of view, even calling some who had their first paper of the 'O' levels today, it ain't about me anymore.

When you see the beauty of people from the point that they are God's creation, and you love them for who they are, the way they are individually crafted, they start to change. You look no more at the physical body of your friends, but their soul. You see their heart and their problems, their real inner joy. And you share it with them.

So on whether or not the person is going to benefit from the right or wrong advice you give, the question has been answered. Because you love him, which is now the basis for your actions and your relationship, whatever advice you give will naturally incline towards giving the best for him.

And on whether you can last? Definitely now you can.

-

I sit in the Ops room, reading simple words in a book that make much meaning.
I've finished my duties to be done. I can turn in for the night.

And I start thinking again, thinking for the change that I want to, and need to make with my life.

There's quite a bit of spare time still.
Jesus, I'm coming.

A brand new start.
I'd have deleted this whole blog, but i loathe the idea of having to add everyone again, and then people will complain that I have changed blog again.
Well, so this technically, cannot be considered a change in blog, although all the old posts are gone and it's as good as brand new.

First things first, before i move on to more serious stuff.
Facebook is a social networking tool, and it sure announces updates to the whole world.
I'm not sure when Charmaine updated that status of hers to 'in a relationship with Benjamin Tan', probably on friday night or saturday morning itself. Jom messaged me, that was when I first found out. Then Ronda, Glenda, and while talking to Cherissa she asked me about it, saying Sherwin told her, and then Ben Chia came and asked me about it too.

So it seems, that more people are knowing. And honestly, I find it pretty queer how they are seeing all these, and I don't. Maybe I was just never meant to see it. Good in a sense. My friends, you come telling me, asking me how I am. Honestly, I'm pretty fine. I've been prepared for this. Whilst still in contact with her at the beginning of her university days, before the message from Doreen came in, i've heard read, rather, about this guy called Benjamin, asked her about him, and I knew, things were on the way.

But as Ben Chia says, maybe it's a bit too fast. That ain't much of my concern.
(I'm gonna sound pretty cold here)
See we are leading different lives already, maybe it's good too that she's attached now, it'll be easier for me to move on. Whether or not she knows what she's doing, entering into a relationship 2 months into knowing a guy, or barely even knowing him, whatever her reasons are, I don't quite wish to know. If it's a wrong decision on her part, then let her fall and pick herself up. That's her life, it ain't mine.

I'm really ok and cool with these all, really.
I've found a source of power, a peace, since that fateful day where I felt so irritated with her friends always intruding into our matters. And I've not looked back.
I've stopped clicking on her profile to see how she's been doing.
I've stopped wanting to go to her blog, or I am able to resist doing so when I need to.
I've not called her, in fact I've hardly even thought of it at night now.
She's phased out, and I thank God.

But the question I ask, is then why did Doreen message me all those previously and now this. She said Charmaine was still waiting, and that I was wrong to keep her hanging there, holding on to her feelings for me and not letting it go by always keeping contact with her.
And then, just under a month later, she announces it on facebook that she's attached?
I may be wrong, but from what I know Charmaine to be, she ain't the kind to publicise these kinda things, even if it was the guy who sent the invite for the status.

I guess, it really hits again on the hard lesson I learnt. To be firm on the decision at the initial stages. It was wrong in the first place, and I entered it only creating more trouble for myself. It was never going to work.

If she was just doing it to spite me, then I'm disappointed in myself not knowing her well enough. But if that's the case, I'm thankful because I honestly dislike such stuff.

On the topic of religion again. Doreen called me two faced, after explaining that if I were to preach what I believe in, but not live it out, I felt I was wrong. So she said, she doesn't see why I can do all these for my church and not do it for Charmaine.

I tried.

But it drained me, I always gave and gave, and I was really tired. I could continue, but I felt, I needed/preferred someone who could support me in ministry, not having to minister to while out alone too. Selfish you might say, but I see a greater purpose. And if you can't accept that fact, then I'm sorry you even got together with me for you haven't known me well enough.

It's funny, how you my friends seem more affected by it than me.
Thanks for your concern though, it touches my heart.

-

about life: the loneliness of leadership

Today in church, I broke down. Many things have been building inside of me. I've been storing them up, thinking it'll be alright. Someday it'll subside, I'll get it all settled, I'll pull through.

Apparently not.

I didn't go for pre-service prayer -> I won't be tagged as an altar minister or asst. altar minister.

So I was at the back settling ushering, talking to them, trying to get them to handle themselves. But ushering didn't go very well today. We weren't clear in our job, didn't usher people, didn't make the effort. Not much initiative, and it was just a duty to pass.

And maybe that was the start of the crack on the iceberg I had become, frozen up in myself, floating in the middle of the ocean alone, with no one else around.

Altar call, I took the modesty cloth up. But I just stood holding the box, I was starting to tremble. Eventually I handed it all to Ronda, and I moved to the side. Adriel came to ask me, saying if I was comfortable enough to pray for the people who responded too, but I said, no, I think i need ministry myself.

So I pulled Gladwin to the side, and I asked him to pray for me.

I told him very simply.

"There's so much I feel like I want to do, there's so much to do.
Ushering ain't doing very well, and now I've SMG to care for too.
I don't know how long I can last."

And so he started praying for me, and he hit a few nails on the head. Many in fact.

1. I had to surrender my ministries to God. Surrender the people I'd love to minister to, surrender my ushers, my small group.
2. God was done with me leading worship for people. He was done with me trying to display His love. He was done with me trying to do all these for Him. He wants me now to worship, to love, to find Him once again.
3. I've been blessed with many, and been placed in a few positions. But eventually, God lead me to a focused ministry.
3. Take away the loneliness he's feeling.
4. Just talk, talk to God.

For the longest period of time, I've been trying to work things out on my own. I've been trying to do this and that for ushering, but I never got down to do it. I've always the ideas in my head, but they never turned into reality. I struggled, seeing my ministry stagnate, trying to comfort myself that we have already improved, but it ain't enough, looking at the other ministries. And I try and try to change, make my ushers know what they have to do, tell them time and time again. And it's still the same.

But it ain't MY ministry. It's God's. I've been just wanting to do all these, with a set of morals and standards I have constitutionalized on myself and others around me. And I've muchly been trying to do these by my own strength, by what I feel was going to help or work. But I have failed, because as a leader I've not leaded in for the right direction.

And having such leadership positions placed on me. Instead of releasing me or giving me the chance to do more, it actually restricts me. I'm the kind of person who does things best when it flows naturally, and out of spontaneity. By placing me in a position of leadership, I start to only think about the roles I need to play as a leader. A leader must do this, must do that.. must behave like this.. act like that. I have a fixed stereotype of what leaders are, and fought myself to become like that.

In that process, I had lost myself, and I was starting to become very drained.

6 Sub-ministries in YM. I was in 4 before, technically still am in 3. GAP probably was my very first ministry, joined middle of sec1 after the family camp, and I'm still there. I joined XT and Ushers at the end of Sec1, but left XT at the end of sec4 as I took on greater roles in the ushering ministry. YMove was always, 'there but not there', and now if there events I'd love to go help if I can, though it's still in the process of formation. So it's left with Philoteos (the worship ministry) and 12stones (publicity ministry), of which both I am very tempted to join cause I love music, and I believe God has given me the slight musical inclination for a purpose. And photography and videography, something I pretty much enjoy.

But how then, to do so much, and peer lead your own small group, and I feel so much about wanting to take a sec1 group next year, like they're so cute?! I feel like I just wanna bring them (guys) out, watch a show with them, and sit down for a meal and chat simply thereafter.

How can I do so much? When I realise that I am not doing these because of the roles and responsibilities placed on me, but instead because I really love the people, I can.

And so that's something I'm gonna fight to know, fight to see.

It starts with you communing back with God. As Gladwin prayed I recalled the days where I woke up early just to pray, days where I shut my room door, turned off my handphone, signed offline, took my guitar and just sang songs of worship.

'He's done with you leading people with songs; He's done with you just singing. He wants to hear your voice, your heart again'

Another thing I struggled with, is in being a friend and a leader at the same time. Let me give you a scenario.
You're peer leading your own small group, ie. everyone of you are the same age, but you are their leader. You're talking to one of them who has some issues in life. As a leader, you have to give the 'right' advice, to lead him in the right direction, guide him the right way. But hearing him talk, and you feel his pain, you understand what he's going through, cause maybe you're going through the same, and as a friend you want to offer him an advice that might not be so harsh on him. One that you know he wants to try to work it out, to see if it works. Which then, do you offer.

I couldn't. I felt sad, that as a leader, I had to do such stuff. And I could not bring myself to them as a friend. Maybe pride started creeping a little, I don't know. But it always remained in me, I was their leader, I have to be different, I have to set the example, I have to be the one that helps them. But then why is it all about me?

The loneliness of leadership, something Hui told me about before, warned me about it. It was really starting to hit me hard.

I would tell my ushers almost anything about myself. Ronda being my vice head, I try to tell her everything. But still, there are some things that I cannot let them know because I am their leader, and I need to let them know that I will be able to handle them and go through that rough patch. Sometimes, the things I struggle with may involve them, and once word gets out to those who are involved, things get spoilt, if you know what I mean.

And so who do you turn to? If leaders cannot tell those who are under them. Leaders themselves don't quite have much chance to talk to each other. Even if so there's only a handful who are close enough.

We as leaders should also be transparent to the ministry, not being afraid to let them know where you struggle or have gone wrong. And pray together.

Also, don't worry too much about giving the wrong advice, or doing something wrong. We're all humans. Let others see that you struggle too, and it'll relate to them more. And if you made the wrong move once, and someone approaches you about it. Take the lesson, apologise, and learn from it.

I can tell you now, after learning, you turn to God. Lift up your prayers and petitions to him. As a leader, there's only so much you can do, you've got to learn to let go as well.

Letting go is never easy. There is always the fear of them struggling or faltering. But if not, when will they ever learn too? You can never always be there for them. They've got to learn to make decisions by themselves too. Offer what advice you have. Offer them what's best for them, but make your stand strong if you aren't exactly for that motion. But when the day dawns, support them in whatever decision they make.

Sometimes, all people need is just a listening ear.

And now, God be my listening ear.
I know I have to get back on track with God.
Pray for me, and with me will you?

In Jesus' name.
Amen.